Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adult Relationships
The effects of childhood trauma can last well into adulthood. A traumatic or difficult childhood can impact adult relationships and lead to issues like low self-esteem or depression. It can also affect our romantic relationships.
Childhood trauma can occur in many ways. I wrote a blog not long ago on the impact emotional neglect in childhood can have, you can read it here. Trauma can also be caused by sexual abuse, witnessing or experiencing violence or emotional abuse.
Childhood Trauma can Impact Adult Romantic Relationships
Trauma experienced in childhood changes how we connect with others. We can experience shame or low self-worth that can mean we form relationships in harmful ways. For some that can mean unhealthy relationships, for others it can look like avoidance of relationships altogether. Childhood Trauma can also cause Complex-PSTD or C-PTSD in adults and impact a range of things in adult life. You can read more about C-PTSD in a previous blog here.
These are just some of the ways that childhood trauma can show up in our adult romantic relationships.
1. Trust Issues Galore
Remember that time you trusted your friend with your favourite toy, and they broke it? Now, magnify that by a hundred if you experienced bigger betrayals or instability as a child. Trust becomes this fragile thing, and as adults, we might struggle to believe that our partners won't hurt us. It's like we’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, (that’s a common trauma response) making it difficult to truly open up and connect.
2. Fear of Abandonment
If you grew up with a fear that someone important might leave you, this can morph into a deep-seated fear of abandonment in adult relationships. You might find yourself clinging a bit too tight or pushing people away before they can leave you first. It’s a defensive dance, trying to protect ourselves from feeling that childhood pain again.
3. Communication Breakdown
Healthy communication? What’s that? If your childhood was filled with yelling, silence, or mixed messages, you might struggle to express your feelings clearly as an adult. You might either bottle things up until you explode or avoid tough conversations altogether, thinking it’s better to keep the peace. But, spoiler alert: it’s not.
4. Self-Worth
Kids internalise a lot. If you were constantly criticised or made to feel less-than, you might carry a sense of low self-worth into your adult relationships. This can lead to settling for less than you deserve or constantly seeking validation from your partner. This turns love into a never-ending quest for approval.
5. Hypervigilance
Growing up in a chaotic or abusive environment can make you hyper-aware of potential threats. This might turn into being overly sensitive to changes in your partner’s mood or behaviour, always on the lookout for signs of trouble. It's exhausting for both you and your partner, and it can create unnecessary tension.
6. Difficulty with Intimacy
Emotional closeness can be terrifying if you’ve learned that vulnerability leads to hurt. You might struggle to let your guard down, keeping an emotional distance even in the most loving relationships. It’s like you’re always wearing armour, just in case.
Experiencing abuse in childhood can affect how we form attachments in romantic relationships. Studies have shown that people who have experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse are more likely to have attachment styles that are fearful, preoccupied or dismissive. These studies also show that people who did not experience childhood trauma are much more likely to have secure attachment styles as adults. It is not really surprising that a difficult or traumatic childhood leads to difficulties in romance as an adult.
Let’s take a look at the four main attachment styles:
1. Secure: Healthy relationships, good levels of self-esteem, comfortable expressing emotions, relationships are based on honesty, trust and closeness.
2. Anxious/Preoccupied: often worried that their partner will leave, negative self-image, worries that partner isn’t as invested in the relationship as they are. The thought of living without their partner may cause high levels of anxiety. Strong fear of abandonment.
3. Avoidant/Dismissive: problems with intimacy and never let anyone get too close, does not want to rely on others or have others depend on them. May avoid emotional closeness. Tend to believe that they don’t need to be in a relationship to feel ok. Generally avoid emotional closeness. Often hides or supresses their feelings when faced with a high emotion situation.
4. Disorganised/Fearful: May take on parental roles in relationships. Wants intimacy and closeness but also has difficulty trusting and depending on others. Often the relationship itself is the source of both comfort and fear. Do not regulate their emotions well and are afraid of getting hurt.
Most of us don’t fit completely into just one attachment style. There are often overlaps and sometimes we can bounce from one to the other. For instance, a securely attached person can develop unhealthy relationship behaviour after experiencing trauma or loss. An insecurely attached person can form a secure bond when they have a securely attached partner. It’s always wise to remember that these are theories, and we shouldn’t try to fit the complexity of being human into a single theory!
So, What Can We Do About It?
First off, recognising these patterns is a big step. Give yourself some grace—none of us come with a manual for this stuff. Therapy can be a game-changer, offering a safe space to unpack that invisible backpack and learn healthier ways to connect and communicate.
The point of personal growth and therapy is to recognise patterns and behaviours that are no longer serving us and learning how to change them. Counselling for trauma can be very effective. If this is something you would like to explore get in touch via the contact page
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