The Truth about Rape and Sexual Assault and How to Recover

This is not a topic we talk about, it is surrounded by myths,, stereotypes and taboos. Often survivors don’t talk about it for fear of being judged. Some blame themselves and feel shame, guilt or an impotent rage. Some people are still in contact with the person who assaulted them. It’s complicated

This week is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness week in the UK. This runs from the 6th-12th February. This is about raising awareness about sexual abuse and violence and folk on social media are using the hashtag #ItsNotOK to do this.

There are some awful statistics behind the headlines.

Prevalence of sexual assault experienced in the last year

For the year ending March 2020, the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) showed that an estimated 773,000 adults aged 16 to 74 years experienced sexual assault (including attempts) in the last year. This equates to approximately 2 in 100 adults. You can see the source data here .

What this means in real terms is 1 in 4 women and 1 in 20 men have been raped or sexually assaulted as an adult. 1 in 6 children have been sexually abused. The chances are that someone you know or yourself is included in these numbers and that is really hard to think about.

Conviction Rates

Sadly the response from the courts is appalling

• The highest ever number of rapes within a 12-month period was recorded by police in the year ending March 2022 was 70,330.

• In that same time period, charges were brought in just 2,223 rape cases.

• Home Office data shows that for the year ending September 2021 just 1.3% of rape offences have led to a charge or further court proceeding

• Over the last four years, prosecutions for rape in England and Wales have fallen by 70%

This is just the tip of the iceberg as 5 in 6 women who are raped don’t report and 4 in 5 men don’t either. People have a lot of reasons for not reporting as shown in the graph below.

These are reasons women gave for not reporting rape. The highest by far is embarrassment. Women are too ashamed to speak up. We need to create a society where more people come forward to report sexual violence, but the system needs to change to make this possible.

Myths around Rape and Sexual Assault

I found some of this list of Rape myths at The Rape Crisis website

• The Stranger in the Dark Most women are killed or assaulted by someone they know. I am quoting stats about women because we are more often the victims of sexual assault, rape and domestic violence. Men suffer too but it is not as widespread. That being said one sexual assault on a man or a boy is one too many.

• Women lie about being raped for attention. False allegations of rape are extremely rare. Most people never tell the police

• If they didn’t fight back it wasn’t rape It’s really common for people who experience rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse or other types of sexual violence to find they can’t move or speak. This is one of our bodies’ automatic responses to fear and is designed to keep us safe. It's also one of the reasons why lots of people don't have visible injuries after experiencing rape or another form of sexual violence.

• If they didn’t say no it wasn’t rape Not saying ‘no’ is not the same as someone giving their consent. If someone seems unsure, stays quiet, moves away or doesn’t respond, they are not agreeing to sexual activity.

• Its not rape if its your wife or girlfriend Rape is always rape. If someone wants to take part in any kind of sexual activity with another person then they must get their consent. Every. Single. Time. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been married to the other person for 50 years – if the other person doesn’t consent, it’s rape. And it's illegal

• Only young and attractive women get raped Women of all ages and appearances, and of all classes, cultures, abilities, sexualities, races, faiths and religions are raped and sexual abused. Rape is an act of violence and control, the perceived ‘attractiveness’ of a women has very little to do with it.

• People who are drunk or on drugs are asking for it Seriously? Does anyone really believe this?! No-one is ever to blame for being raped or sexually assaulted – it doesn’t matter what the circumstances, 100% of the blame, shame and responsibility for that crime lies with the perpetrator or perpetrators.

• Once a man is aroused he can’t control himself Oh give me a break! Men can control themselves, just like women and people of other genders. There is absolutely no scientific basis in this myth.

Possibly the most dangerous myth of all is that people who were sexually abused as children are likely to become abusers. This simply isn’t true. The vast majority of those who are sexually abused as children will never perpetrate sexual violence against others.

This is a dangerous myth, offensive and unhelpful to adult survivors of child sexual abuse, that is sometimes used to explain or excuse the behaviour of those who rape and sexually abuse children. There is no excuse or explanation for rape and sexual violence.

How can counselling help?

We do survive past abuse, we learn how to manage day by day. However traumatic memories aren’t processed in the same way as normal memories and can pop up when we least expect them through flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and nightmares. A qualified trauma therapist can help to take the heat out of those memories.

Counselling can give us the time and the space to to work out how we feel and decide what we need to move forwards. The counselling room is a safe place to explore what we feel.

Some survivors never speak about the actual abuse, we find coping strategies. Some of us feel better to talk about it and be heard, perhaps for the first time. Whatever way you might want to approach it therapy can help you to find a sense of self and become more than just a victim.

If this resonates with you and you want to talk about it please use the contact form to get in touch.