top of page
  • Writer's pictureFiona Hewkin Counselling

Is There a Link Between Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma?

Updated: Mar 7

Raised letters spelling Perfectionism. Fiona Hewkin Counselling

Perfectionism, the relentless pursuit of flawlessness and lofty standards, is often regarded as a positive trait. After all we live in a society that Sees perfection and working ourselves into the ground as a good thing! However, there is a complicated relationship with childhood trauma. OK, so not all perfectionists have experienced traumatic childhoods, but lots of studies have revealed a strong correlation between perfectionism and early adverse experiences. In this blog post, we will explore the connection between perfectionism and childhood trauma, looking at the psychological impact of early experiences and why that may lead to the development of perfectionistic tendencies.

Understanding Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma

Childhood trauma encompasses a range of adverse experiences, including physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, parental substance abuse, or the loss of a loved one. These traumatic events often disrupt a child's sense of safety, security, and emotional well-being, leaving lasting imprints on their psychological development. It’s important to remember that safety is a primary need for a child and impacts how we view the world as an adult. You can read more about childhood neglect and abuse in my blog, here.

The Perfectionist's Coping Mechanism

Perfectionism can manifest as an unconscious coping mechanism developed in response to childhood trauma. Children who experience trauma often internalise a belief that their worthiness and sense of safety depend on meeting unrealistic expectations. We can end up feeling that we are only as good as the things we do, not who we are. To regain control and a sense of safety, we may adopt perfectionism as a defence mechanism, believing that flawlessness will protect us from further harm or rejection. Keeping up this unrealistic level of perfectionism is exhausting! So often the fear of not being perfect, the fear of failing can paralyse us, and we do nothing. we need to learn that sometimes, just getting things done is better than perfect

Tiles saying Done is Better than Perfect. Fiona Hewkin Counselling

The Fear of Failure and Rejection

Perfectionists commonly exhibit an intense fear of failure and rejection. For those of us with a history of childhood trauma, this fear can be rooted in their experiences of being criticised, invalidated, or neglected. Perfectionism becomes a way to avoid re-experiencing the pain of rejection or abandonment, as the pursuit of perfection is seen as a shield against potential criticism or disapproval. In short perfectionism helps us to feel safe.

Self-Worth and Validation

Childhood trauma often undermines a person's sense of self-worth and identity. Perfectionism may develop as an attempt to regain a sense of validation and worthiness that was lacking during early traumatic experiences. By striving for perfection, we hope to prove our value and gain external approval, compensating for the underlying feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness resulting from childhood trauma.

Control, Anxiety, and Emotional Regulation

Perfectionism can also serve as a mechanism for maintaining control over our environment and emotions. Childhood trauma often leaves us feeling helpless and out of control. When we fixate on perfection, we may be attempting to exert control over our lives and emotions, seeking stability and predictability in an unpredictable world. Let’s face it this world is VERY unpredictable! However, this pursuit of control can lead to heightened anxiety, as perfectionists become preoccupied with avoiding mistakes, making their lives rigid and stressful.

Healing and Overcoming Perfectionism

Recognising the connection between perfectionism and childhood trauma is the first step towards healing. Therapy, such as trauma-focused therapy can help individuals address the underlying trauma and develop healthier coping strategies. We need to learn that good enough is good enough. Building self-compassion, challenging negative self-talk, and embracing imperfections are essential components of this healing journey. So much of recovery from trauma is about being kind to ourselves and extending some self-compassion.

Cup with text saying Good Enough. Fiona Hewkin Counselling

The link between perfectionism and childhood trauma is a nuanced and intricate one. While not all perfectionists have experienced traumatic childhoods, there is a clear correlation between the two. Understanding this connection sheds light on the underlying motivations and psychological impact of perfectionism. By recognising the root causes and seeking appropriate support, we can embark on a path towards healing, self-acceptance, and a more balanced approach to life. Breaking free from the shackles of perfectionism allows us to embrace our authentic selves and experience genuine fulfilment.

If you would like to talk about this or any other issues, please do get in touch using the contact page. Use the button below.


bottom of page